Squeezing melons and poking at minced meat doesn’t entitle one to wear trackpants and 2003 bootcut jeans. God. Opt instead for a proper high waist (none of this 17 buttons, exaggerated business) denim and tuck in a classic tight T. Wear a big, boxy men’s jacket and push up the sleeves. Grandma shoes give you the edge to outdo any crazed soccer mom in Aisle Three (”Where the F*ck* are the Little Debbies?”) and a bone bag because by the time you become the crazed mom, bone bags just won’t do. Happy shopping!



I’m not to sure many moms will be embracing high-waisted jeans too quickly, even though they are coming back in style. For that matter, there’s a heck of a lot of high school girls with big muffin tops (I hate that term) who won’t be too happy in high-waisted jeans either.